Posted in Relationships - Online Dating

Dating :101

On one of the dating sites, there were several information type pages available about the different aspects of dating.  There was one I found particularly intriguing.  It was directed at women and written by a man.  It made so much sense to me.  In the article, he talked about how men and women differ in early dating.  How women are looking for a connection and men are looking for light-hearted fun and companionship.  And how neither really gets what they’re looking for.  But he had a suggestion for the women.  He recommended always dating three people at the same time. (I know, shocking huh?)

His reasoning was that if you have one guy on the way out, one guy that you’re seeing and another on the way in.. that your emotions will be invested in each man, rather than too invested in just one man before it’s time.  On some level this concept makes sense.  I do get emotionally attached, often before the guy seems to.  So then I feel like I’m treading water waiting to see if he’ll catch up.  And he rarely does.  It sets up an emotional imbalance.  And because I’m all invested, I’m doing all sorts of really nice thoughtful things for him.  All the while he’s enjoying the benefits of my thoughtfulness and thinking that I’m getting too attached.  So he withdraws.  Which gets me the opposite of what I wanted in the first place.

I was quite eager to share this new-found information with the girls.  Now you have to remember that both of them have been married for a real long time.  Michele for more than 20 years and Tammy for more than 30.  Dating has changed a great deal in that amount of time.  But Tammy and Michele both listened intently.  I think they both knew I was gonna give this a try.  What I’ve been doing for all of my dating life had never worked.  About time I try something new.  This seems to be it.

I already have two dating options.  So I skimmed through the dating sites.  I found the profile of a man who is again just a little bit older than I am.  He’s a consultant, divorced, lives alone but his adult children and grandchildren all live relatively close by.  He lives with his cat.  I sent him a wink and I’ll call him Winkin.  We’ll see what happens.

In the mean time Lucky still calls me every day.  He continues to shout my praises. I’m trying to stay off of the pedestal he’s trying to hoist me up onto.  I’m hoping that as we get to know each other better he’ll see that I’m a real person with flaws and everything.   During today’s call, Lucky shares some difficult things that occurred during the marriage to his ex.  It felt uncomfortable to me.  I began a conversation with Lucky.  I reminded him that as the counselor type of people that he and I are, we get so used to talking deeply with people, client-type people, that it can be difficult for us to separate that sometimes.  That now as new people come into our lives we can decide if, when and how much of ourselves and our past to share with them.  I told Lucky that although I appreciate his openness as a wonderful quality, I felt it was too soon to be hearing such detailed and personal information about his former marriage.  It was a ‘red-flag’ to me that Lucky has some unresolved things to work through.  But because I’m not his counselor, nor do I care to be, he needs to work that through in another manner.  Not through a dating relationship with me.

Lucky apologized for sharing so much that I became concerned.  He says he feels so comfortable talking with me and that I’m just so easy to talk to.  I explained that at some point in a relationship it would be fine to share more of those things, but not so early in a new relationship.  He agreed to the boundary I was setting.  Then I asked what plans he had for the weekend and we agreed that I’d drive to his town and we could explore it together.  He was very excited and I was looking forward to seeing him again.

In the meantime, I had received a message from Winkin.   He had viewed my profile and was very interested in getting to know me.  He left his phone number.  It was then I realized that men who are a bit older than I am are for the most part, very uncomfortable using a computer.   They prefer the telephone.  I made myself a sandwich and put a new sheet in The Binder.

Coach sent me a text asking how my day was going.  Well, I told him it had been a busy morning.  (I wasn’t kidding either.)  He said his day had been very rewarding as he’d gotten a new contract with a customer.  I congratulated him and agreed to a Sunday evening date.  He’d be driving through my area and would call me as he got a few miles away.  Yay!!! I was excited to be having another date with him.

Are you keeping up?  (I wonder if I should make copies of the binder, it might help.)  After my little lunch text conversation, I called Winkin.  Yup, I”m quite the assertive single woman.  Actually, it was easier now to call a man for the first time because I was getting so much practice in talking to men as potential dating partners.  Practice, practice.   As the phone was ringing, I was wondering how I was going to manage all of these ‘relationships’.   He began with  “hello”.   I responded with the same, but added, “it’s Jeannie, from the dating site.”  And I felt him smile.

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One thought on “Dating :101

  1. I saw that comment on the dating site about us as women investing care and attention in a man to show him how caring we were and about it having the opposite effect as the men shutdown. I think it’s all about space for each of us and yes I can see how the common sense appraoch of dating a few men at once might work. I ran this past a male friend of mine and we agreed it probably would be OK and then when a friendship with one of them stepped up a gear then you would know which one to continue dating and which ones to wish well….I haven’t put this into practise but it’s a thought.

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