What The Heart Wants

It’s funny how the heart wants what the heart wants.  It seems no matter how much logic you apply, or how you try to reason things out, the heart is gonna win.   I had gotten a text from Wheels while Goose and I were at the Casino the other night.  Obviously, I didn’t answer it.  Wheels knew I had another date.  On the surface he wanted to know, but underneath… in the secret part of his heart he wanted me to not go on the second date that night.  Guys are funny creatures in an odd sort of way.  They want to be hot studs dating a bunch of beautiful girls at the same time.  Going from one date right onto the next.  Wheels and I had a lengthy conversation about this at our midnight meet & greet.  He thought I was so ‘cool’ because I was being open about my dating adventures.  Until after he had date #1 with me.  HE wanted to be the hot stud.  But this time the shoe was on the other foot and he was watching me go on to date #2 and leaving him behind.  This wasn’t exactly what he had pictured while he thought I was being ‘so cool.’
Today I decided I’d better respond to Wheels and his belated text.  When I reached him on the phone, he was happy to hear from me and immediately wanted to know when we’d be having our next date.  Truth be told, my heart wanted what it wanted too.  It seems, my heart wants a Goose.  It fits right, it feels safe and comfortable and warm.  When I think of Goose, I smile.  And I want to smile.


As I talk with Wheels, I realize that in dating more than one man at a time, at some point, I’ll have to disappoint someone.  This already seems to be that point in time.  I know Wheels is thinking I didn’t choose him because of his wheelchair.  And really, I find Wheels to be quite an attractive man.  I’ve got a medical background so I’m not the least uncomfortable around him for any physical reason.  What I found difficult was how hard he was pushing for a sexual conquest at both the meet and greet and at our first date.  It wasn’t about getting to know me as  a person.  I immediately became his challenge and that put me on the defensive.  I was unable to relax and let my guard down.   If I gave a little, he wanted even more.  By the end of that first date, I was exhausted from having to literally keep him back.  On the phone now, I shared with him how I felt that day.  And I told him that he needed to get straight about what he wanted from a woman.  Did he want an afternoon’s delight or a long-term partner?  I was the wrong girl for a drop by delight.  And Wheels was the wrong guy for a romantic relationship with me. By the end of the conversation, Wheels and I were chatting as friends.  He asked if it was alright to call sometimes, and I assured him it would be nice to keep in contact.

I opened The Binder and turned to Wheels’ page.  I felt bad for both of us.  I had to refocus though and realize just why I was on these dating sites.  Not to ‘help’ guys feel good about themselves as dates.  I wasn’t here in a helping or teaching role even though so many of the men I’ve talked with and met in person could use helping and teaching as far as dating is concerned.   My purpose is to learn about myself and what I’d like to find in a dating or romantic partner.  Sure, it’s fun to meet lots of different guys.  It’s wonderful to be contacted by so many different men.  In all honesty its an ego boost.  It’s nice to hear that someone thinks you’re pretty and fun to talk to.  Of course it is.  But after the fluff, you want a man who has some substance.  Someone that can see your value outside of the bedroom and respect you as a woman.  I’m proud of the work I do and I’d like my partner to be proud of the investment I make, just as I am of him.

I decided to peruse the dating sites.  The Editor has left a message, but he isn’t currently online.  I responded with a witty remark and moved on to the next site.  It seems I have messages on every site now.  Many are just an attempt to get your attention.  Some days I don’t mind the purposeless banter.  But I feel like I’m entering a different level of dating focus.  No longer wondering if some guy might be interested in a girl like me.  Now I’m getting down to business with this dating stuff.  Dating with a defined purpose.


6 thoughts on “What The Heart Wants

    • By this point Goos and I talk and text daily on the phone. Always fun flirty banter, sharing the day’s activities. BUT.. we’ve only had 1 meet & greet and 1 date. Simmering indeed.

  1. I am glad you had the talk with Wheels and that he took it so well. The Editor is a no-no. Leaving only Goose unless someone else pops out of the net… I am still hesitant about Goose. There are guys using psychology and playing not exactly hard-to-get, but being cool in the hopes of getting you HOT for them…

    • I’m trying to stick with the 3 guys at a time philosophy. One guy on the way out, one that you’re dating and on on the way in… to keep from getting too emotionally attached before its time.

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