Posted in Relationships - Online Dating

My Balancing Act

I’m telllin ya.. dating is no easy thing.  I have seriously worked at this.  It’s like marketing myself.  I’m only a paying member of one dating site at a time, but I have left my profile view-able on a few sites now. Every once in a while I’ll get someone leaving me a message.  I also had a couple of irons in the fire before I began dating Goose.  Wheels and The Editor are on hold.  What to do.. what to do.  That information about dating three men at a time had some valid points for me.  I grew up being led by my emotions.  I’m an emotive person.  Everything I feel, I feel it fully.  Feelings don’t scare me.  But at times my feelings scare others, especially my sad feelings.   There are some people who desperately avoid feeling anything.  Little do they know, all of those buried feelings control their every thought and movement.  But not me!  Not buried ones anyway, lol.

The ‘dating three men at a time’ program, it had value for me.  It allowed me to learn about balancing my feelings.  I wasn’t giving all of my heart to any one man before it was time.  It helped me to learn to add some logic into my dating process.  It would be like going to buy a new sweater and choosing it only by ‘how it feels’.  Not considering how it looks on you, and not considering if you can afford it or not.  It might feel great but not flatter you in the least or it might be much too expensive for your budget.  I’ve had relationships like that in the past. Where they didn’t flatter me in the least OR they were much too expensive for my emotional budget.  Those relationships were a disaster.  Don’t wanna do that again.

Goose is a man who is opening his life to me.  He is wanting me in it.  And I’m enjoying him and the time we spend together.  On Thanksgiving night when he made his ‘dancer disclosure’ to me, I in turn,  laid out my boundaries to him.  I won’t move forward with dating you if she remains in your life.  In doing that, was I asking that he and I be exclusively dating each other?  I’m not dating anyone else, but I do have other options.  Is it time to be putting all of my eggs into Goose’s basket?  Is that was I was telling him when I asked him to ditch the dancer?  So many shades of gray.  My feelings want to take charge and blast forward… my logic and Michele are screaming at me not to.

Finding balance

I called Michele.  She gave me a run down of Goose’s character flaws as she sees them.  What she doesn’t see is how happy I feel when I’m with him. Coming out of the tail end of a marriage.. “happy” seems like a really good thing.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt it.  Again with the feelings! UGH!  Thank goodness Michele has the patience to keep pounding LOGIC into my brain.  Somehow I need to find a balance with emotion and logic.   Often times the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other before balance is achieved.

My heart pulls me toward feeling warmth, companionship, closeness, and love.  My brain is seeing that it has the ability to contribute in matters of the heart.  It’s an odd new concept for me.  And now my brain is pulling me too.  Confusion reigns!  The things I’ve always done have not gotten me the relationships I want.  I know I have to do things differently now.  What I feel wants to move forward.  My logical brain is aching with all of the exercising it’s getting now.  It all feels foreign, I must be on the right track.

The Editor leaves messages because we aren’t ever online at the same time.  When things don’t flow smoothly, when connections aren’t formed easily, I take it as an indication that its isn’t time or it’s the wrong path.  I stopped responding to his messages.  Wheels is consistent with his requests for another date.  I’ve decided that the effort it takes to keep him at bay through a whole date just isnt’ worth the energy it costs me in exchange for his companionship.  If I have to hold him back.. then a healthy connection can’t be formed.  If I have to hold him back, it means he’s pushing his own agenda over what might be best in forming a foundation for a relationship.  (OMG, THIS is logic!!!!)  He’s off the dating roster too.   That leaves Goose.  Uh-oh. Be still my little heart.  Take your time.

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8 thoughts on “My Balancing Act

  1. You are right about letting go of The Editor and Wheels. I think you should keep an open mind with any new options that pop up – for a while anyway. However, I doubt you will feel inclined to start dating anyone new unless Goose cooks his goose so-to-speak.

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