Posted in Relationships - Online Dating

Bargaining For a Christmas Wish

The farther I drove, the easier I could breathe.  As I turned onto the main  highway, I began feeling myself return.  I thought about my day planner and the things on my schedule for today.  Going to work at 4:00 this afternoon.  Stopping by the grocery store for a few items.  Picking up my mail.  Routine.  It’s similar to a holiday or other event, when we move things out of their usual place to make room for the special things like a Christmas Tree.  Spending three days with Goose every other weekend was like a special event that had occurred.  And now driving home was like putting things back in their place.  No matter how lovely the special event is..  it still feels good to put things in order once again.  As I neared my exit off the highway, I was about back to my old self.  Feeling balanced, strong and capable.   Not at all how I was feeling when I left Goose’s.  I unpacked my things and put the groceries away.  I made myself some lunch and washed up the dishes.  More routine.

When Michele called I told her that I asked the questions.  She was glad that I did.  If we’d been in person I’d have gotten a high-five slap.  When she asked how I responded to Goose, she wasn’t as pleased.   I know my friends love me and they are so supportive and caring.  I appreciate all of their advice and input.  They know me.  Which means they know my strengths and weaknesses.  They know my big heart and my impulsive tendencies.  They love me anyway.

But they are not so forgiving of any of the men I’ve met.  They are of the ‘nip it in the bud; plenty of fish in the sea’ mentality.  Well there are tons of guys in the single dating pool… (there are even some married ones in there who want to be single but don’t have the guts to get that way.)  You’ve all seen the guys I’ve met so far.  You’ve experienced them right along with me.  So have Tammy and Michele.  (And with friendship privileges, they get a few more details than I write here.)    I’ve only agreed to meet the ‘cream of the crop guys’.. ‘the pick of the litter’… aka, the good ones.  And we all know how that’s turned out so far.

It honestly takes a lot of energy and time and even some expense to be dating.  And to this point, the outcome of those investments has been pretty sparse.  Goose.. he has potential.  He is a good guy.  Not just on a dating profile.  He’s someone I can see myself with.  It feels like a good fit.  (Who am I kidding.. all of you guys and his dogs already know that I’m falling in love with him.  But I haven’t shared that yet with Tammy and Michele.)  So I’m officially deciding not to decide about him just yet.  I have time.  I won’t see him for two weeks now.  It’ll be Christmas.  Maybe..  it’ll be alright.

(Click Photo)

I dig through my storage closet and find the Christmas decorations.  I want my son to be pleasantly surprised when he comes for the weekend.  I want to feel the holiday magic.  And what better way than through the eyes of my child.  I begin to finally feel some of my usual exuberance brewing from within.  I turn on the music station and listen to holiday music while I put up garlands and snowmen.  I get out the Christmas Cards and begin writing notes and licking envelopes.  Life is good even though the envelopes taste icky.  Really they should taste like chocolate when you lick ’em.  The world would be a much happier place.

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11 thoughts on “Bargaining For a Christmas Wish

  1. I think you’re doing extremely well, Jeannie. Let him be the one to phone you. Sit tight and wait. Rather find out that he is not yet ready for a serious relationship sooner rather than later. If he turns the corner – wonderful! If he doesn’t, you’re a survivor, my friend. There will be someone out there worthy of your love…

  2. I’m with you on the getting ‘lost’ in a marriage, when you’ve been way down on the priority list, and it takes great courage to break away and find yourself again. In finding ourselves and creating a new life the things we now do provide more comfort than words can express. Things will unfold at their own pace with Goose and ‘hats off’ to you for the way you are handling it.

  3. There’s a Whitney Houston song called “I HAVE NOTHING” with a line.. “Don’t make me close one more door, I don’t wanna hurt anymore.”

    At this point I was teetering between a victim stance and a survivor stance. Growing Pains… whew!

    1. I wanted so much to stay in denial. To just crawl inside my hopes and pretend that he was choosing me. The comfort and warmth and companionship he offered.. I needed it so badly. I walked right up to the edge of that cliff.. it was all I could do not to take that final leap.
      Tammy and Michele had no idea how much their support was helping me. The two of them were teaching me… you know, to this very day, they have never met each other, never spoken to each other. I love them both so much.

      1. That support and friendship is beyond words and I know just what you mean…the facts are there but in dealing with the emotions we hope and pray for a different outcome from the one that the facts are currently presenting…stepping back is a brave move and it gives the situation a chance to settle and find its own level. I liken it to a view through a wooden gate in a stone wall and you could see a beautiful garden beyond that gate…you don’t step through and the gate closes…it’s the not knowing if the gate has closed for good or if it will open again and whether it’s safe to step in that causes you to falter … in my case many blessings for my lovely daughter and my friends who support in their own way with my graitude beyond words.

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