“He did WHAT?!” was Michele’s first response when I called her to explain about last night’s Goose visit.
“He didn’t even finish his favorite meal?” (Michele seems as confused as I was when it happened.)
“He had no reason to get upset or jealous of your ex. He’s the one who’s been lying. What is with these guys?”
Clearly, our phone conversation didn’t lead to any further understanding for either of us. Why does it take the three of us, Tammy, Michele and I just to date 1 guy? And still be completely clueless? But both of them agree that my dating experiences sure do make their husbands look like princes.
Fortunately, the tides come in and the tides go out. So this too shall pass. Until then, I have to take care of me. The first order of business in this department is to refresh and regain balance. I worked for a psychologist for several years and she did a lot of relaxation work with her clients. I decided to start there.
Relaxation Breathing. You can do it anywhere at anytime and it works instantly. It’s very simple and it comes naturally. Thank goodness, because focus seems difficult to grasp this morning. I got myself comfortable in my chair. Put my feet flat on the floor. (That in itself is an undertaking. My short stature often finds my feet dangling when I sit back in a chair.) Then I took a deep breath in slowly through my nose. Counting to four as I inhaled. 1 – 2 – 3 – 4. Then hold that breath also to the count of four. 1 – 2 – 3 – 4. And exhale to the count of four. 1 – 2 – 3 – 4. Repeat.. yes, you guessed it, FOUR times.
Even after just the second series of breaths I begin to feel myself calming inside. And by the fourth set of breaths.. I feel relaxed. I sat quietly and calmly for fifteen minutes. My thoughts had stopped circling. I realized that there is nothing for me to do about anything Goose related. Life has a way of unfolding, just as it’s meant to. I don’t have to do anything until life gives me a direction. It’s alright to be still for a while.
When I began this blog, I put in my post heading “Actively Participating In My Own Life.” There have been times in my life where I just floated along. Letting life happen to me. Taking whatever came. I lost sight of the things that had been important to me. I lost focus of the dreams and goals I’d once had. When I did that, that’s when I began losing myself. It wasn’t all at once, it happened slowly, a little bit at a time. I didn’t even notice myself fading. It’s like when I was pregnant… I knew that my belly would get big and round. But I never looked down and saw it growing. It happened all on its own without any intervention on my part. Til one day.. I looked down and I couldn’t see my feet anymore.
When I decided to leave my marriage it was a time of transformation in my life. And I knew I didn’t want to waste it. I didn’t want life to keep going on without me. So I jumped in with both feet. Some days, like today.. life stings. But before the sting came.. there were good things. I felt loving toward someone. I helped in making memories for me and for other people. I’ve gone new places, done new things and met new people. Life is like that. Some good, some challenging, some exciting and some just quiet and peaceful. And yes, there are sad days too. I don’t especially like the sad days, but it’s all part of life. My life.
I forgot that unexpected things happen too. Like getting a new message from The Editor. Now, I haven’t had a lot of interest in pursuing something new because my heart was focused on Goose. But it seems Goose has his sights aimed in a different direction. Putting all of my eggs into Goose’s basket isn’t warranted or wise. Time to diversify my interests and investments. I replied to The Editor and he was online so we had a very cheerful and light-hearted exchange. It wasn’t long before he offered that we should meet for lunch later this week. I agreed. Luigi’s in Oelwein on Thursday. It’s a date.