I’m getting some practice. Some experience about men. I’m finding what I like and what I don’t like. I’m finding that I can choose when to give my heart. I don’t have to let my heart run wild like spirited horse running free in the desert. With no boundaries and no limits. I don’t have to give my heart with wild abandon. I want to be able to. I want that powerful kind of love in my life. But I want a man who can and will give me the same in return.
A few times I’ve loved that deeply, only to learn in time that ‘his’ was not the same kind of love. You see, everyone defines love differently. Everyone experiences love differently. So, what’s a girl to do?
A girl is to love herself that deeply. To love herself with wild abandon. To allow her heart to soar. Because then, and only then, will she feel whole. No other person can or will love us the way that we love ourselves. No other person will put us first in thought or action. I think a lot of times women act selflessly toward the partner she chooses. Generally speaking, we are nurturers by nature. We’re good at intuitively knowing what a partner or child needs from us. We were created to be this way. And we reach down inside of ourselves to meet the need.
Sometimes though life doesn’t maintain the balance for us and we become depleted over time by the needs of family. Over and over we forget about the needs inside of us. We push it down further and further until we’ve lost sight of what those needs are. Until one day… one day, we’ve come up empty. Nothing left to give anyone.
Our world as we know it comes to a screeching halt. Our partner and our children are in utter amazement when we no longer do for them. They hadn’t noticed that we weren’t okay. Until we no longer have the supply to keep up with the demand. That’s when they notice. And of course they are not pleased.
In the dating world, I’ve found that everyone is looking for what they need added to their lives by another person. On dating profiles each person lists their likes, their interests and what they want. Rarely have I seen listed what someone is willing to give to a relationship. Either to build one or to sustain it.
I think it’s because the people in my middle-age group are for the most part divorced or widowed. Very few people can really call themselves single.. meaning that they’ve never had an intimate relationship before. Even those who have never married have had prior relationships. So we all come with a bruised or broken heart. Scar tissue somewhere in the process of healing. I think most people who find themselves newly single again have gone a long time with their needs not being met. In a state of depletion. Lost self-image and self-worth. Loneliness from a lack of companionship that only increases for a time, as lines are often drawn when a divorce occurs.
It takes time to rebuild yourself. It takes getting used to the emptiness and loneliness. Getting acquainted again with who you were once upon a time. People come along and give you an opportunity to discover things about yourself. That’s what has happened for me through my dating adventures. There isn’t anyone out there who can fill up the empty places that I had abandoned inside myself. Eventually in the emptiness you start looking around inside yourself and discover all of those dreams you had. The goals you never achieved. And this is when you begin living again. You begin putting together a new life for yourself. One that you are proud of. The emptiness is filled and the loneliness disappears as you begin reaching toward those dreams you’ve discovered.
It’s then, while you’re out there living your life, that you figure out what you want. And you smile, because you know that you’re doing just fine.
Some day the right person will come into my life when I least expect it. And he’ll hang around awhile. He’ll pay attention to who I am and how much I love myself. And then he’ll start loving me too. He’ll open his life up and welcome me into it. So that I can love him too. Until then, I have a million things to do, dreams to reach for, and friends to love.