Posted in Lessons Learned

The Sun Came Up

Disclaimer:  This is a post I wrote a while back, but decided not to post.  It seems that I’ve gotten myself a virus and have been taking it it easy these past couple of days.  What better time to post an already written blog.  I think it contains useful information.  Just keep in mind that as of this writing. I’m actually doing quite well, emotionally speaking at least.  So no need to worry about me.

* * * * *

I was just bopping along, living my life and without warning, I was propelled head first into a brick wall.  A sudden impact.  It was in those first moments that I knew there was an ending for me.  An ending I desperately didn’t want to face.

For me the grief process began right there.  At the moment of Sudden Impact.  It’s taken me all of these months to work my way through to the other side.  I want to share with you how I muddled through.  I had no grace or elegance or pride for that matter in how I struggled with it.   I was back and forth and all over the place.  Hanging on with all my might and an hour later certain that I needed to just cut the ties and let go.  The pain did crazy things to me.  I did let go for a couple of weeks and then went back.  Each time though, I’d find his love for me right there along with that brick wall preventing the relationship from growing.  I kept bumping my head into that wall.  Even with it there large and looming in front of me.

I discovered a book by Susan Anderson, Ph.D.  called “Journey from Abandonment to Healing”.  In it, she discussed what was happening to me.  And it brought me some relief once I understood what it was.   In her book, she explained about abandonment and the cycle you pass through to reach recovery.

The stages of Abandonment are S. W. I. R. L.

1.  Shattering – “Your relationship is breaking apart.  You’re devastated and bewildered.  You succumb to despair and panic. You”ve been severed from your primary attachment.”

2.  Withdrawl –  “Painful withdrawl from your lost love.  You yearn, ache and wait for them to return.  Wrenching pain of love-loss.”

3.  Internalizing –  “You internalize the rejection and cause injury to your self-esteem.  This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound is suseptible to (emotional) infection and can create permanent (emotional) scarring.  You Isolate, have Insecurity, and Idealize your lost partner at your own expense.”

4.  Rage -” The turning point in the grief process, when you begin to fight back.  Agitated depression expressed as irritability toward friends or family; spurts of anger.  Revenge and retaliation fantasies toward the now absent partner.”

5.  Lifting – “Your anger helped to externalize your pain.  Your energy gradually lifts you out of the grief cycle.  Life distractions eventually lift you back into your life as you become ready to love once again.”

Today the sun came up.  And with its rising I could feel my heart healing.  I felt lighter.  I felt energy I haven’t felt for a while.  I was able to take a baby step.  Its progress.

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8 thoughts on “The Sun Came Up

  1. *** thanks for sharing that post,,, kind of like a grief process, finally there is “acceptance” and you can move on ***

  2. Acceptance can certainly be a bitter pill to swallow. I went through the other grief cycle too… the denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance.
    Neither process is a straight-forward movement. Two steps forward and one step back… a little of this and a little of that. Until you wake up one day and you can finally take a deep breath and know you’re gonna be okay.

  3. What a great helpful post Jeannie. I have never realised that the anger and venting helps to externalise the pain but it does doesn’t it? Then you find yourself out on the other side and you are OK…more than OK…and here I want to thank you for listening to me. Your friendship is a gift and I love you xxxxxx

  4. Thank you for sharing the post. I think sometimes a post needs to wait and simmer for a while because it is too fresh or to raw. The timing is most perfect for a lot of people I am sure. And what an great message and pic to go along with it. I am sorry you are feeling sick right now 😦 I wish you a speady recovery!

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