Crazy as it is.. the beginning of a relationship is filled with hope, happiness and wonderful rose colored blinders. Without them, I don’t think that any relationship would stand a chance. When we find the courage to let go of the perfect impressions we send out to the object of our infatuation.. its only then that we can possibly find a real connection. But without infatuation we’d never get this far.
By the end of July my impending divorce was heightening my stress levels. I was emotionally stronger than I’d been in years, yet I feared I would easily return to the woman who had become worn away in her marriage.
Scott came for a few days when my divorce was scheduled to become final. His presence gave me focus to keep stepping forward in strength and dignity. During those days we talked and Scott found ways to lighten the mood. We watched Kathy Bates movies and he found several unfortunate yet hunorous correlations between Kathy’s character and I.
The day of the divorce pre-trial conference came. He made breakfast for us while I got ready. I realized that it would help my confidence level if I dressed for success. So I dressed in business attire. My work led me to court proceedings very often, so I felt confident in the meeting ahead. Scott waited patiently near the lake while I forged ahead to the final step of my marriage.
I knew he was ‘out there’ and that gave me the little extra courage I needed to keep breathing as I signed a settlement agreement. It was fair. My now exhusband and I were both still standing and no tears were shed. When Scott returned he immediately pointed out how our relationship had changed by the sigining of my divorce papers. He said that we weren’t balanced any longer. I was now divorced and his was not final yet. I felt fear about our relationship for the first time. Apparently he did too. Insecurities began. We’re in ‘The Middle’ now where fear, insecurity and past relationship damages make themselves known. Our relationship landscape has changed.
The next afternoon Scott returned to his life, job and kids. Our relationship was back on phone, text and skype for another period of separation, til the next time.
Two weeks later, I travelled to Madison for a weekend. Scott took me to the top of the capital building and showed me Madison from up above. It’s a beautiful city. I was falling.. and trying to hold back my burgeoning feelings for this man. We meandered through the famed Farmer’s Market along the Capital Square. As we walked, we spoke few words, yet the communication being sent through our intertwined fingers, tightly grasping one another, spoke volumes.
We found a bar near Miflin Sreet with a menu board propped outside the door. We wandered inside and siddled up to the bar. We lightened things between us as we ate. Sharing a bite of this and that from one big platter of food. Once again filled with ‘us’, we found our way to The Ivory Room.
A classy piano bar. Leather couches, intimate seating areas and wonderful French Vanilla White Russian Cocktails. Scott and I found our way to a deep leather couch with our drinks. The talented pianist was front and center playing from an extensive repitoire. He offered to take requests. Scott grabbed a piece of note paper and scribbled a couple of songs on it.
Snuggled beside him, melting into the couch, sipping on my rich creamy drink, Elton John’s “Little Jeannie” began flowing from the pianist’s fingers and into my ears. ”
“Oh little Jeannie, you got so much love, little Jeannie
And you take it where it strikes and give it to the likes of me
Oh little Jeannie, she got so much love, little Jeannie
So I see you when I can, you make me all a man can be.”
This moment had been tailored especially for me. And it was perfect.