My birthday was fast approaching. Scott and I had discussed meeting to celebrate it together. As the days passed, he wasn’t giving me any sort of definite plan. Finally on Friday morning, I confronted him about plans for the weekend. Its my birthday and I want to celebrate in some fun fashion. I wanted to spend it with him. I set a boundary and said that I needed to know by noon if he was planning to meet me for the weekend.
Unfortunately, Scott’s lack of communication actually said all I needed to know. He wasn’t coming. But my ears needed to hear it. To have that fact confirmed. I wanted to have a fun time even if he wasn’t able to be with me. I wanted to make a plan with or without Scott’s participation.
You see, that was Scott’s fear. He knew he couldn’t be with me. And he knew that I’d make other plans. He was afraid. Afraid that I’d make plans with someone else. Someone being another man. So he just wouldn’t confirm that he wasn’t coming until the last moment, hoping it would be too late for me to make another plan.
At noon I texted him. No response. At 2:30 I he called with his regrets. At 2:35 I was angry. I realized that his fear had caused him to be selfish in my direction. He’d made a bulls-eye shot. I didn’t like it. At all.
He texted. He called and left messages. Many of them. I was angry and needed space. I took it. I made last-minute plans to go to a Renaissance Festival the next day. None of my friends were available to accompany me, but I went all the same. I had always loved the festival. As I walked through the displays and attended the magic show, the hypnotist and tarot reader… Scott was texting and calling.
What he had feared, happened. Not another man. It was worse than that. He lost my trust. My heart was bruised from the cheap shot he took. I was disappointed in him. I didn’t want to talk to him.
But it would have been unfair to end communication on that note without giving him the opportunity to understand and have the chance to make it right. So I answered the next call.
I could hear the relief in his breath even before he spoke. I explained what had hurt. It was that he had so little faith in me that he felt he couldn’t tell me the truth. And that he then tried to control my following actions and that it was unfair of him to do that. He apologized for messing up my birthday. I explained that I’d had many birthdays without him in my life. This was just another, but that I still wanted to enjoy it, even if it had to be without him.
That’s when he asked me why I wouldn’t let this love grow.
This was a pretty intense conversation to be happening as I walked through the Renaissance Festival. With belly dancers jingling by and bagpipes playing in the wind. I told him we’d talk soon.
I walked into a shop and ran my hands over the shimmery teal satin and the bronze coins all linked together to create a hip-wrap for the belly dancers. The other festival goers gradually faded from my view. The thoughts passing through my mind blinded me to everything around me. My own feelings of fear, disappointment and insecurity had been triggered. Scott and I had been seeing each other for a few months. There had been so much joy and fun. He is adventurous, romantic, spontaneous and caring. Not to mention a great kisser. He could always find a way to make me laugh and he appreciated my silly antics. I didn’t want to lose all of these positive things.
Let this love grow? My thoughts swirled… How can I give my heart to man who couldn’t look past his fears enough to be open or honest with me? To trust me or have faith in me?