3 Blog Medley
I recently shared a brief phrase in an earlier post that I’ve been censoring my writings for the past couple of months or so. Today I’m digging three drafts out of the files and posting them in no particular order.
The Lies That Bind Us
Lies.. we all tell em. Some are little white lies about surprises and gifts. On the other end are the huge, deceitful, powerful, debilitating lies. I suppose most lies fall somewhere in the middle.
In trying to understnad lies, lie telling and liars, I did a little bit of research into the psychological reasoning behind lies. I found it very interesting and insightful. I also found it a bit troubling. For many reasons.
I started researching because I’ve been lied to. And I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how I felt about myself or the other person that lied. I didn’t like the withdrawing distance and barriers that I put in place after the lie.
I discovered that lies are based upon fear. And as I thought about lies that I’ve told.. I found that to be true. When a neighbor wanted to borrow something, yet again. I lied. Said I didn’t have what they wanted. Rather than being honest and saying that I didn’t want to keep supplying her kitchen, I chose to just say I didn’t have what she wanted. I didn’t want to seem mean. So I lied.
The lie I told was based in my fear that if I told her the truth, I was afraid she’d see me as mean. My fear is that I’m not certain where the line is.. the line between being a helpful, generous neighbor and being taken advantage of.
Then I looked at the world from her shoes.. she’s a single mom with no car. Transportation is always a struggle especially duing the winter months. Lugging groceries on a bus is a reality in her world. So is a lack of money.
Is a roll of toilet paper, a few teaspoons of vanilla or tin foil gonna break my world apart? Of course not. But the other part of that reality is that I’m a single mom too. Working hard to provide for myself and my son. I have limits and sometimes I have to say no. But I need to be honest about it.
Then there are those bigger lies. The ones that people use to deceive. To gain power and control over another person. These lies can be lies of omission.. where we just ‘don’t tell’. Or we leave out parts of the truth.
Then there are the blatant dishonest lies. Made up ‘stories’ to hide something so that something else can be gained without the other person’s knowledge.
What I found is that the foundation of all lies are based on selfishness. We want something. And telling the truth would prevent us from getting that thing we want. And we want it so much that we’re willing to risk losing a relationship with someone in our life to have it.
But the very worst lies, are the lies that we tell ourselves. And those lies are based upon deep hurts, most often from childhood. That we continue to try to resolve throughout our lives. Over and over again, until with any luck (or an excellant therapist), we finally get it.
Those of you that know me well, know the struggles that I’ve worked to resolve. I’m open about those struggles because I know that others struggle too. And just maybe someone else has resolved a struggle like mine and they can share which direction to go. It’s difficult to watch someone do the same painful things over and over again. Trying to figure it out. Rather than judge them.. offer them your support, encouragement and love. Cause that’s when they need it the most.
3 Blog Medley
Sometimes letting go is hard.
A wave of emotion washes over me
I don’t see it coming
Knocks me off my feet
Gasping for a breath of air
Sometimes I can walk and breathe at the same time.
I can see blue sky
Feel the warm sun shining
Melting the ice around my heart
A smile stretches across my face
Sometimes I want to hear his voice
To hold him near once more
Feel his skin under my fingertips
Kiss that soft, tender place in the crook of his neck
A tear blurs the memory
Sometimes I scream inside my head.
Can’t understand why
He didn’t see inside my heart
To know the gift it held
Created, only for him
Sometimes I feel free
There is hope on the horizon
I sail toward it just ahead
Til the skies turn dark and I feel
Emptiness where he used to be
Sometimes I’m just so disappointed.
That I played the game of Love
Took a chance on him, on me, on us
We all lost
He watches me now from the other side of Love
Sometimes Letting Go Is Hard.
3 Blog Medley
Not Given In Vain
I was leaving work one night last week. It had been one of those emotionally hard days. The kind where you hold it together as best you can. You even begin to believe yourself, that you’re really okay.
That is until I left the building. Three steps into the parking lot, cries just started coming out of my mouth. Then as I walked toward my car, I heard a small voice inside my head.
“Your love wasn’t given in vain.”
I unlocked my car door and climbed inside. I put my tote bag on the floor and wiped my tears. The words were sinking in. I realized that any love given isn’t given in vain. It had a purpose. It had a value. It mattered on some level to the person I loved.
I’ve been told before, “I’ve never been loved the way that you love me.”
Maybe my love is too deep. Too intimate. Too intense. Maybe the way I love is much more than the kind of love they wanted to share with me.
When I allow myself to love deeply there is great risk of emotional fulfilment or emotional ruin. 50/50 odds. So I’ve learned to be careful with my love. Darn it hurts when it doesn’t work out. And it takes such a long time to recover.
I loved my ex-husband very deeply. I didn’t want to live my life without him in it. I couldn’t imagine him not being with me for my lifetime. Over the course of 18 years it changed. I didn’t speak up when I should have. When things he did or said hurt me I didn’t say “Stop it!” Didn’t he know he was hurting me? Didn’t he realize I was pulling away? Didn’t it matter to him? It seems we both just looked the other way. Found other things to focus on.. kids, work, etc. Eventually that love changed. It diminished until it wasn’t there anymore. The marriage ended.
So when I met Scott and we had dated for a few months and he asked me, “Why won’t you let this love grow?” I told him how risky it was for me because I know how I love. And I know the odds and the risk. But as time went on, hard as I tried to hold it back… love grew. In spite of the risks I was aware of. And in spite of the issues he had and the issues I had, love grew.
I’ve heard many times that you can’t control how you feel, but you can control what you do about it. Well, I tried. Like all relationships there were bumps in the road. And because I’m so open with people, judgements were made by many. People who told me he wasn’t good for me. That he wasn’t mature enough, or that his actions were mean. Yet, these very same people who were judging, were with spouses who had done the same things and in some cases worse. They have all stayed with their spouses. But according to them, I was supposed to leave the relationship with Scott. “Cause he’s not good for you.” Are their spouses good for them? Why is it different for me? Have I ever told any of them to leave or stay? Were their judgements based upon their own unfinished business? Were their opinions given to me as a warning of sorts to prevent me from suffering similar consequences as they had?
I knew the love between Scott and I had a purpose. I also realize that my path isn’t the same as those of my friends or family. One very stark difference between them and I, is that I speak openly about the bumps in my path. They all don’t tell. They keep their struggles a secret and resolve them privately without anyone’s influence or judgements. They choose to stay in the relationship and find an understanding or compromise with their partners.
There were many times that Scott asked me to not be so open with my friends and family about the relationship between he and I. On one level I understood that there should be private things that belong just to the couple. Private moments that only he and I share. Dreams, fears, plans.
(We did have a conversation about ‘when you write about me’. We talked about what ‘name’ I’d give him, since I had given all of the online dating people ‘nicknames’ to allow for their privacy. I teased Scott with a few silly nicknames. But he specifically asked that I use his name. He said he wanted to be the last man that I wrote about. I hoped he would be too.)
On the other hand, was Scott ‘not wanting me not to tell’ so that he had a bigger influence over me? So that my friends wouldn’t be saying he was a jerk for doing this or saying that. Well, in honesty, sometimes he was a jerk. But no one had to tell me that. I’m not perfect either, so I suppose in his eyes, sometimes I was a jerk too.
As I drove home, I thought about how this love between us had affected each of us. I think it gave us both a reminder that we are indeed loveable. We both deserve to be loved in a very special way. At times his love lifted me up. He challenged me to reach outside the boxes I had created in my life. One of those being to pursue write again. He is the reason I started this blog.
In spite of the jerky moments there were many good things that he gave me through his love. I hope I was able to give him some too.