Posted in Lessons Learned, Relationships - Online Dating

3 Blog Medley

thfindmyway

3 Blog Medley

I recently shared a brief phrase in an earlier post that I’ve been censoring my writings for the past couple of months or so. Today I’m digging three drafts out of the files and posting them in no particular order.

The Lies That Bind Us

Lies.. we all tell em. Some are little white lies about surprises and gifts. On the other end are the huge, deceitful, powerful, debilitating lies. I suppose most lies fall somewhere in the middle.

In trying to understnad lies, lie telling and liars, I did a little bit of research into the psychological reasoning behind lies. I found it very interesting and insightful. I also found it a bit troubling. For many reasons.

I started researching because I’ve been lied to. And I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how I felt about myself or the other person that lied. I didn’t like the withdrawing distance and barriers that I put in place after the lie.

I discovered that lies are based upon fear. And as I thought about lies that I’ve told.. I found that to be true. When a neighbor wanted to borrow something, yet again. I lied. Said I didn’t have what they wanted. Rather than being honest and saying that I didn’t want to keep supplying her kitchen, I chose to just say I didn’t have what she wanted. I didn’t want to seem mean. So I lied.
The lie I told was based in my fear that if I told her the truth, I was afraid she’d see me as mean. My fear is that I’m not certain where the line is.. the line between being a helpful, generous neighbor and being taken advantage of.

Then I looked at the world from her shoes.. she’s a single mom with no car. Transportation is always a struggle especially duing the winter months. Lugging groceries on a bus is a reality in her world. So is a lack of money.

Is a roll of toilet paper, a few teaspoons of vanilla or tin foil gonna break my world apart? Of course not. But the other part of that reality is that I’m a single mom too. Working hard to provide for myself and my son. I have limits and sometimes I have to say no. But I need to be honest about it.

Then there are those bigger lies. The ones that people use to deceive. To gain power and control over another person. These lies can be lies of omission.. where we just ‘don’t tell’. Or we leave out parts of the truth.
Then there are the blatant dishonest lies. Made up ‘stories’ to hide something so that something else can be gained without the other person’s knowledge.

What I found is that the foundation of all lies are based on selfishness. We want something. And telling the truth would prevent us from getting that thing we want. And we want it so much that we’re willing to risk losing a relationship with someone in our life to have it.

But the very worst lies, are the lies that we tell ourselves. And those lies are based upon deep hurts, most often from childhood. That we continue to try to resolve throughout our lives. Over and over again, until with any luck (or an excellant therapist), we finally get it.

Those of you that know me well, know the struggles that I’ve worked to resolve. I’m open about those struggles because I know that others struggle too. And just maybe someone else has resolved a struggle like mine and they can share which direction to go. It’s difficult to watch someone do the same painful things over and over again. Trying to figure it out. Rather than judge them.. offer them your support, encouragement and love. Cause that’s when they need it the most.

3 Blog Medley

Sometimes

Sometimes letting go is hard.
A wave of emotion washes over me
I don’t see it coming
Knocks me off my feet
Gasping for a breath of air

Sometimes I can walk and breathe at the same time.
I can see blue sky
Feel the warm sun shining
Melting the ice around my heart
A smile stretches across my face

Sometimes I want to hear his voice
To hold him near once more
Feel his skin under my fingertips
Kiss that soft, tender place in the crook of his neck
A tear blurs the memory

Sometimes I scream inside my head.
Can’t understand why
He didn’t see inside my heart
To know the gift it held
Created, only for him

Sometimes I feel free
There is hope on the horizon
I sail toward it just ahead
Til the skies turn dark and I feel
Emptiness where he used to be

Sometimes I’m just so disappointed.
That I played the game of Love
Took a chance on him, on me, on us
We all lost
He watches me now from the other side of Love

Sometimes Letting Go Is Hard.

3 Blog Medley

Not Given In Vain

I was leaving work one night last week. It had been one of those emotionally hard days. The kind where you hold it together as best you can. You even begin to believe yourself, that you’re really okay.

That is until I left the building. Three steps into the parking lot, cries just started coming out of my mouth. Then as I walked toward my car, I heard a small voice inside my head.

“Your love wasn’t given in vain.”

I unlocked my car door and climbed inside. I put my tote bag on the floor and wiped my tears. The words were sinking in. I realized that any love given isn’t given in vain. It had a purpose. It had a value. It mattered on some level to the person I loved.

I’ve been told before, “I’ve never been loved the way that you love me.”

Maybe my love is too deep. Too intimate. Too intense. Maybe the way I love is much more than the kind of love they wanted to share with me.

When I allow myself to love deeply there is great risk of emotional fulfilment or emotional ruin. 50/50 odds. So I’ve learned to be careful with my love. Darn it hurts when it doesn’t work out. And it takes such a long time to recover.

I loved my ex-husband very deeply. I didn’t want to live my life without him in it. I couldn’t imagine him not being with me for my lifetime. Over the course of 18 years it changed. I didn’t speak up when I should have. When things he did or said hurt me I didn’t say “Stop it!” Didn’t he know he was hurting me? Didn’t he realize I was pulling away? Didn’t it matter to him? It seems we both just looked the other way. Found other things to focus on.. kids, work, etc. Eventually that love changed. It diminished until it wasn’t there anymore. The marriage ended.

So when I met Scott and we had dated for a few months and he asked me, “Why won’t you let this love grow?” I told him how risky it was for me because I know how I love. And I know the odds and the risk. But as time went on, hard as I tried to hold it back… love grew. In spite of the risks I was aware of. And in spite of the issues he had and the issues I had, love grew.

I’ve heard many times that you can’t control how you feel, but you can control what you do about it. Well, I tried. Like all relationships there were bumps in the road. And because I’m so open with people, judgements were made by many. People who told me he wasn’t good for me. That he wasn’t mature enough, or that his actions were mean. Yet, these very same people who were judging, were with spouses who had done the same things and in some cases worse. They have all stayed with their spouses. But according to them, I was supposed to leave the relationship with Scott. “Cause he’s not good for you.” Are their spouses good for them? Why is it different for me? Have I ever told any of them to leave or stay? Were their judgements based upon their own unfinished business? Were their opinions given to me as a warning of sorts to prevent me from suffering similar consequences as they had?

I knew the love between Scott and I had a purpose. I also realize that my path isn’t the same as those of my friends or family. One very stark difference between them and I, is that I speak openly about the bumps in my path. They all don’t tell. They keep their struggles a secret and resolve them privately without anyone’s influence or judgements. They choose to stay in the relationship and find an understanding or compromise with their partners.

There were many times that Scott asked me to not be so open with my friends and family about the relationship between he and I. On one level I understood that there should be private things that belong just to the couple. Private moments that only he and I share. Dreams, fears, plans.

(We did have a conversation about ‘when you write about me’. We talked about what ‘name’ I’d give him, since I had given all of the online dating people ‘nicknames’ to allow for their privacy. I teased Scott with a few silly nicknames. But he specifically asked that I use his name. He said he wanted to be the last man that I wrote about. I hoped he would be too.)

On the other hand, was Scott ‘not wanting me not to tell’ so that he had a bigger influence over me? So that my friends wouldn’t be saying he was a jerk for doing this or saying that. Well, in honesty, sometimes he was a jerk. But no one had to tell me that. I’m not perfect either, so I suppose in his eyes, sometimes I was a jerk too.

As I drove home, I thought about how this love between us had affected each of us. I think it gave us both a reminder that we are indeed loveable. We both deserve to be loved in a very special way. At times his love lifted me up. He challenged me to reach outside the boxes I had created in my life. One of those being to pursue write again. He is the reason I started this blog.

In spite of the jerky moments there were many good things that he gave me through his love. I hope I was able to give him some too.

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14 thoughts on “3 Blog Medley

  1. Very well done and said. I can see this being 3 separate blogs. One spoke far stronger to me than the other 2, but I’m not telling which is which.

    Shakespeare wrote: “To be or not to be, that is the question.” Maybe we should think of it more like, “To be _________, or not to be __________; that is the question.” To be loved …. to be honest …. to be …. you name it.

    Rambling, but thinking even more.

    1. I ramble and think out loud all the time over here. Welcome to my life, hahahaha. Of course I’m curious as to which post got your attention. Maybe after you mull it over a while you’ll share. (In case you aren’t sure, that’s code for “Oh my gosh, tell me, tell me, tell me already!)

  2. Hiya Jeannie, it’s the lies part that got me and how beautifully you put it across. If we live our lives running to others agendas and they are being untrue with themselves, then all hell breaks loose and we get caught up in it. I think your expression of loss and life’s gifts is so eloquent…I love your ‘ramblings’ please keep them coming. Your river is flowing well there my lovely friend… Xxx

  3. Hi Jane,
    Golly I miss you! It seems the river (both the one in front of my apartment and the one in my heart) is once again filled with water and my spirit is refreshed!
    We still have piles of snow here.. but I’ve seen a few robins flitting about. Spring is on its way!
    I love you very much,
    Jeannie xxxx

  4. The one thing I never do Jeannie is lie. Not even lies of omission. I look someone in the eye and talk straightforward about the issue.

    Problem is, it costs me. People really don’t like this, they seem to prefer a lie.

    You have been through so much. Not only with Scott but also with Goose. It seemed to me that you got hurt because they were both committed to others.

    There wasn’t room for a true relationship with you. In the end it was your heart that got broken. Your words reveal that you are still on the mend.

    This hurts me for you so much. Your a good person who deserves a loving partner. The only thing is you are probably scared to death now.

    You are in my heart and in my prayers all the time.
    love and blessings ~ maxi

  5. Maxi,
    Even though it’s been a couple of months since I wrote these three pieces, I do still have moments of sadness and disappointment. I thought for a while that I was ready to meet someone new, but that isn’t the case.
    When I’m very busy with work or activities, I do just fine. But its those alone times that the memories creep back to the surface and remind me.
    I’ve been hired for a second job that I’ll start on Monday. And I’ve been asked to facilitate a singles group at a local church. So I think those things will help to fill the emptiness left behind.
    Thank you so much for your prayers,
    Jeannie

  6. Oh, wow! As always, I feel right at home when I come here, Jeannie. And I thank you for that. Sharing your experiences with us helps us realize that we are not the only ones who’ve faced some of the things we’ve faced. I find it amazing how much your story resonates with me. These words in particular struck as chord (in a good way):

    “Sometimes I’m just so disappointed.
    That I played the game of Love
    Took a chance on him, on me, on us
    We all lost

    He watches me now from the other side of Love”

    May God continue blessing your journey.

    -Mari

  7. Thank you Mari, for taking the time to come here. I’m so glad you feel at home.
    I write about my struggles and about the good things too that happen in my life becaue when I’m experiencing them here alone I feel so isolated. And no one knows when they look at me that my heart has this gaping wound. And its all I can do to keep breathing. And likewise they don’t know when something wonderful is happening.
    I write it down and somehow that makes my experiences, my life, real. I’m here and what’s happening matters. Then when people come and read it and they can say… ‘yeah that’s happened to me too’. Then we begin to heal the hurts and share the joys. And life isn’t lived alone anymore.
    God is blessing us both.
    Hugs,
    Jeannie

    1. My path is certainly not carefree or straightforward. I challenge it sometimes. Foolish I know, because I always end up back on the path. I guess I need to try anyway.

  8. Great posts… the three together tell a story that brings some tears to my eye because reminds me of my story of the last months. Thanks for sharing Jeannie.

  9. Thank you and I’m so sorry for your struggle. Finding our way through is such a journey. I tried to avoid the outcome by going back to try again, and again. But each time I landed in the same painful place. There at the ending of a relationship. I finally gave in to the process and let it carry me through.
    I’m about three months out from the ending now… and healing is happening. Life is turning upward once again.

  10. i wrote you a poem. hope its ok.

    tears of a river, by sao

    single drop
    over a dam
    as i hear
    tears they match
    heart lonely heart

    still you grow
    changing forever
    be to me
    smile lonely smile

    life can’t wait
    amidst the wake
    love drawn in
    time without
    river lonely river

    1. Thank you Scott for sharing your poem with me. It touched me. I didn’t know whether to post it here or not. But I thought it would be of immense value to everyone who reads it.
      It’s so easy to get lost in our own part of an experience. We forget that the people who experience things right along with us also have their side to share. I appreciate your courage in being vulnerable enough to open your heart and to share it here.
      Jeannie

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