Okay, so I’m on day three of being sick. I stayed home from work for the last day and a half. So I’m sure you can deduce that even with the break I took to visit the doctor and the pharmacy, I’ve had way too much time on my hands. Yes, even with nose wiping and cough drop popping, I still have plenty of down time. I’ve watched my share of old movies on TV, sat on the deck in the warm sun for a while yesterday afternoon, and went to bed early on a Friday night.
What does this all mean… well, I’ve had time to mull over my thoughts on life, love and other random things too numerous to mention. Life, well.. its like soup. A blend of ingredients when thrown together and simmered a while, makes a sustaining brew. (That came to me while I was having lunch, hahaha, can you tell?) I’ll blame it on the fever.
Love.. well, that’s a complicated beast to tame. Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson attempted it though in “Something’s Gotta Give”. There’s one poignant scene between Keaton and her daughter. The daughter has been love avoidant all of her life. And Diane Keaton had this break through moment where she realized that she had been as well. That is until she met Jack Nicholson, and “let love in.” Now this conversation takes place after she is heartbroken by the end of the romance. Her daughter remarks that ‘this’ (the crying and mountains of wet tissues) isn’t worth it. But Diane replies while wiping yet another tear, that it is worth it. “I had the time of my life.”
As a girl who’s been recovering from the end of a heart-break.. I can concur. It hurt like hell for a long time. Much longer than I expected it to. And box after box of wet tissues piled up into my own soggy mountain. But.. I don’t regret for a moment that love found me. I don’t regret the hurts along the way. Because just like Diane Keaton.. I had the time of my life loving him. I have memories etched into my mind of eagles soaring high above us as we drank wine from the bottle (he forgot the glasses.) Or when we laughed and walked hand in hand and then he climbed up on a huge wooden Muskie so I could take his picture. And the hike where he was pulling my hand trying to coax me across a crevasse in the rocks that was a little wider than my leg span. And on a steamy summer night while we tried to light a paper lantern to launch over the lake. It was supposed to be romantic, but the swarms of mosquitos had a late dinner in mind. They ate well.
I heard from Scott last week. He wrote me a poem, a sad poem. Eventually after a few short and pensive emails, he asked if we could see each other sometimes.
When situations remain the same, the offers remain the same. Nothing has changed that would allow him to have a complete relationship with me. He pointed out in the poem, “Still you grow, changing forever. Life can’t wait amidst the wake.”
In the movie, Diane Keaton was being called forward in life. But Jack Nicholson was still working through the middle of his current life’s lesson. He wasn’t ready to go forward. She couldn’t remain behind. Heartbreak happened for them both.
Scott, we had something very special. I will never forget the moments that we created together. I’ve been very disappointed for such a long time. Disappointed that life didn’t allow it to be time for us. But right now, we both have things that life needs us to do. Every time you enter my thoughts I wish you well, and then I let go. I hope you’ll do the same for me.