All In Or All Out


The moment of decision has come. I have to decide. Am I all in or all out? Over the past couple of weeks we have been laying cards on the table. Getting honest. Getting real about who we are after those perfect first impressions diminish.

The Perkins Talks were pretty tough. A lot was revealed on both sides. His issues were triggered. My issues were triggered. The dust is settling. And it’s come time to choose.

I feel like I’m on a game show and I have to choose between door number one or door number two. I’ve been given clues and the audience members are screaming their opinions. Only I can’t make out a single clear word because they’re all screaming at once. I seriously have a headache. And I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong choice. I have before. I have ignored red flags, flashing yellow lights, and the safety gate that’s closing as I approach. I have gone in the ring not realizing the opponent was down right evil. Then I show up with my coy smile, manicured nails and a pan of pumpkin bars and hope for the best. They like what I’m offering up. And then I get the emotional crap kicked out of me cause I didn’t see the boxing gloves.

Part of me wants to run away and join a convent, vowing never to sign up for online dating ever again. The other part of me wants to step off the proverbial cliff and fall with the faith that he’ll catch me at the bottom. Trouble is: it’s a long way down there and I”m near-sighted.

He says he’s all in. Wants a future with me.. and yes the “M” word has been spoken in passing followed with a ‘someday’. It’s a big contrast. Convent or cliff…

What to do, what to do?

I was All In until The second Perkins Talk. The baggage he shared is alive and well and living in Dallas. With all sorts of history, internet access and apparently unlimited cell phone minutes. He had asked me to be exclusive… but he isn’t. He told me he could be trusted and was loyal. But to whom? Certainly not me.

I’m disappointed. And I’m proud of myself too. For seeing and questioning. But still disappointed. (Insert big sigh here.)

He’s been talking and explaining for three days. I’ve heard it all. Over and over. How much he loves me. How much he needs me in his life. Everything I mean to him. All the things he can see ahead for the two of us.

I told him about my blog post..There’s The Door. About people loitering at the doorway to his life. Not coming in, but not getting out of the way either. And he seems to not own a broom or maybe he doesn’t know how to use one. Or maybe he doesn’t want to. (ouch)

I talked to my daughter… she is wise.
I told her that I should just cut my losses now and walk away.
She said that I should wait a little bit.
I reminded her that people don’t choose me. That they say how awesome I am, how they love me and want me, need me… but then they choose someone or something else. Never me.
She said, “But what if he is about to choose you and you aren’t there?”

Damn it. I hate this. I feel all crazy inside. This outcome is resting on his word and his actions. Ugh…

This morning when Chuck called, he asked if we were okay… I said we’d have to wait and see.

Me? Wait? (Insert wild crazy laugh here, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

I wish I could just turn to the last page in this story and see how it all turns out. I think either way, I’m gong to need tissues.


9 thoughts on “All In Or All Out

  1. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. You seemed to be floating on cloud nine, until you weren’t…. While talk of the “M” word early on can be flattering, it seems to me to be a red flag because it’s much too soon.

    Isn’t it funny how our adult daughters can be so wise? My instinct would be to cut my losses and say goodbye, immediately, but maybe you should consider her advice.

    • Cheryl,
      Welcome to my blog and thanks for the feedback. I’ve taken a couple of weeks away from this. Time to let things settle. To wait and watch. To examine. All will be revealed in time.

  2. I’ve spent many months in Mexico. I love to visit the market, not just to look at things, but to watch people and interact with them.

    Buying in the market is uncomfortable to many Americans. We like costs to be cut and dried. If the sticker says $1.99, well, that’s what it will cost. Not so in a Mexican market.

    In the market, you see what you want – or need – nothing is marked, so you ask the price. The price is always unreasonable. You offer a price you can live with and the merchant either agrees or you walk away. You never surrender and let the merchant take advantage of you, no matter how much you like his wares.

    In my experience in a Mexican market, after you’ve expressed your desire and price, and walk away, if the merchant is serious, he always comes after you. He will literally follow you down the street because he doesn’t want to lose what you’ve offered.

    It takes guts tobwalk away, but he’ll agree to the price because he knows how hungry he is for what you have to give him. He knows your price. He knows you’re serious. He knows the boundary. He knows he needs your money.

    There have been times I’ve offered my price and walked away … and the merchant didn’t come after me. It was okay. There would be another merchant on the next corner with what I was after. The product might be a different color or design, but it is better than buying something just because it was there. That’s the food of regret.

    So, anyway …

    • Richard,
      So, anyway…. Like the Mexican market, I have stated my price and I drove home. So far, he is calling for me down the street.. but has not yet taken a step in my direction. So telling isn’t it?

  3. Jeannie,
    I have read your last few blogs with a feeling of hope that it all works out for the best for you. You are a wise, experienced gem of a woman and you deserve whatever will make you happy for the rest of your life. I know you will make the right decision, as you know whats best for you and u have some wonderful friends and family to advise you. If you do have doubts, be careful as there normally is a reason for these doubts, as you know.
    As we contemplate the pool of of our lives, sometimes it is a god idea to jump in at the deep end, be wreckless and rely on your swimming skills to survive. Other times we have to consider the other objects in the water, which can harm the best swimmers amongst us. This is never an easy choice to make. Always be aware that you are a fantastic person and no matter how hard it might be, a better oppertunity might be just around the corner for you. I am sure you will instantly know when it hits you.
    I wish you all the best in this decision, Jeannie. I tend to side with your other 2 friends who commented on this blog, but I am sure you will make the right choice for you. And regardless of what you decide, you will not be alone, as all your friends will always be with you.
    Love and hugs

    • Hi Thys,
      Yes, I was hopeful as well. But as time passes and the clouds of infatuation lift, there is much more to see. The sun shines brightly and helps us see into the dark places.
      I’ve learned that when the way seems unclear it is best to just stand still.

  4. Hi Sweetie, Why does it have to be all in or all out? If there are flag (red or not) just settle in and wait to see where the flags lead. You’ll find out, sooner or later, if they checkered flags, red flags, or if its ‘s time to wave the white flag (love that song, BTW!). Hang in there ❤

  5. I love you Jeannie….it feels like Chuck is racing to the ‘end game’ without taking the care and time to dig the foundations….one small puff of wind and the whole lot will fall down. You are wise my lovely and it will be OK even if both of you take steps back and re-trace some places…it all takes time and you have that. You are worth taking time over. Hugs ❤ Xxxxxxx

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