The moment of decision has come. I have to decide. Am I all in or all out? Over the past couple of weeks we have been laying cards on the table. Getting honest. Getting real about who we are after those perfect first impressions diminish.
The Perkins Talks were pretty tough. A lot was revealed on both sides. His issues were triggered. My issues were triggered. The dust is settling. And it’s come time to choose.
I feel like I’m on a game show and I have to choose between door number one or door number two. I’ve been given clues and the audience members are screaming their opinions. Only I can’t make out a single clear word because they’re all screaming at once. I seriously have a headache. And I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong choice. I have before. I have ignored red flags, flashing yellow lights, and the safety gate that’s closing as I approach. I have gone in the ring not realizing the opponent was down right evil. Then I show up with my coy smile, manicured nails and a pan of pumpkin bars and hope for the best. They like what I’m offering up. And then I get the emotional crap kicked out of me cause I didn’t see the boxing gloves.
Part of me wants to run away and join a convent, vowing never to sign up for online dating ever again. The other part of me wants to step off the proverbial cliff and fall with the faith that he’ll catch me at the bottom. Trouble is: it’s a long way down there and I”m near-sighted.
He says he’s all in. Wants a future with me.. and yes the “M” word has been spoken in passing followed with a ‘someday’. It’s a big contrast. Convent or cliff…
What to do, what to do?
I was All In until The second Perkins Talk. The baggage he shared is alive and well and living in Dallas. With all sorts of history, internet access and apparently unlimited cell phone minutes. He had asked me to be exclusive… but he isn’t. He told me he could be trusted and was loyal. But to whom? Certainly not me.
I’m disappointed. And I’m proud of myself too. For seeing and questioning. But still disappointed. (Insert big sigh here.)
He’s been talking and explaining for three days. I’ve heard it all. Over and over. How much he loves me. How much he needs me in his life. Everything I mean to him. All the things he can see ahead for the two of us.
I told him about my blog post..There’s The Door. About people loitering at the doorway to his life. Not coming in, but not getting out of the way either. And he seems to not own a broom or maybe he doesn’t know how to use one. Or maybe he doesn’t want to. (ouch)
I talked to my daughter… she is wise.
I told her that I should just cut my losses now and walk away.
She said that I should wait a little bit.
I reminded her that people don’t choose me. That they say how awesome I am, how they love me and want me, need me… but then they choose someone or something else. Never me.
She said, “But what if he is about to choose you and you aren’t there?”
Damn it. I hate this. I feel all crazy inside. This outcome is resting on his word and his actions. Ugh…
This morning when Chuck called, he asked if we were okay… I said we’d have to wait and see.
Me? Wait? (Insert wild crazy laugh here, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
I wish I could just turn to the last page in this story and see how it all turns out. I think either way, I’m gong to need tissues.